Sex on my Mind
It is unfortunate to realize that we have been so conditioned to thinking of sex as a primal instinct, we forget that it is far less mechanical than we sometimes assume it to be. Sexual arousal is not just about the right aphrodisiacs, a phenomenal drive, or, if you’re fortunate, love. Our body’s and mind’s complexities play far too much role in our everyday existence, and sex is no exception to that. What I’m really coming to is that more than you think, your mental health struggles can conveniently crash your bedroom – leaving you puzzled and circling the confusion of sexual dysfunction.
Sex and Anxiety
An acquaintance of mine narrated an incident to me recently, which inspired me to delve further into this topic. Aryan (name changed) was falling for a girl he had seen for a month or so, and it did not take them too long to agree that they wanted each other in bed tacitly. While the chemistry was perfect, the drinks were not too many, and the night was almost too perfect not to forget, Aryan felt like a lucky guy.
However, things were speeding up in bed, and as Aryan was getting ready to put on the condom, he had a sudden, oops moment. He realized that he didn’t have a complete hard-on before putting on the condom and perhaps needed to indulge in more foreplay. Before Aryan could turn back around and tell his partner the same, his confidence was already shot. After a long, Aryan had a new woman in his life, one that he was actually falling for was new to him, and he had already been anxious enough about ruining it. Aryan’s oops moment put a pin in his plans, and he felt a wave of being a disappointment.
While his partner was more than accommodating, as told to us by Aryan himself, he could not bring himself to get over the incident. His partner suggested they take a break and try again later during the course of the night, and they did a couple more times. However, every time Aryan came close to having a proper erection, the moment it was time for penetration, he would lose his hard-on completely. It was a sexless night, but more importantly, Aryan felt cared for because his partner did everything to make him comfortable.
We often forget that sex is not the instant, systemic movement of blood to the right places and hormones exploding like firecrackers inside you. Sometimes, it’s your mind playing sinister tricks, and as a society, we forget that one doesn’t necessarily have to blame themselves for that.
Sex and Fear
Sonali’s (name changed) ordeal was along the same lines and affected her bedtime. While her relationship with her partner was much more casual, Sonali had developed a sense of comfort with him and was genuinely looking forward to spending the night with him. For a couple of hours, Sonali and her partner talked intimately with the occasional bouts of banter and fun.
The relationship for Sonali was strictly casual, but she was being intimated that it wasn’t the case for her partner. He had started to develop feelings that Sonali was scared of. She felt like she might have led him on too much and that he was emotionally invested in a way that Sonali could never imagine herself to be. While she didn’t have much to say then, her demeanor in bed spoke for her.
A girl who never had a problem taking charge in bed and always knew how to show everyone a good time was now questioning herself exasperatingly. The night progressed the way they had expected it to, and as they started making it out, Sonali already felt guilty. She was fearful of how she impacted her partner’s life and wanted to get out of those shoes as quickly as she could. Even though she was obviously aroused and wet, the moment her partner tried to have sex with her, she felt an excruciating pain – one that she doesn’t remember feeling ever before. After a few more tries, Sonali had to give up and walk out of the room, which was a metaphor for the unwarranted situation life had brought her into.
A non-arousal concordance is when the mind and body are out of sync during sex. Either your body or your mind is aroused, but both are not in agreement. Anxiety and fear can often cause this in men and women. Aryan’s mind and heart were into his sexual experience, Sonali’s body was also responsive in a generic way – but neither could enjoy the experience they had hoped to have. It is well known that clinical disorders like depression can decrease your sex drive. Disorders of arousal are visible in men and women both where approximately 25% of depressed patients reported problems with erections or lubrication itself.
While these clinical disorders have our attention and acknowledge them respectfully, we fail to recognize the normalcy of these minor instances or mishaps in bed and are very quick to label them as problematic. Sex is as dynamic as our everyday lives. No matter what your porn culture tells you, not all your sexual encounters will be with a driven and ravenous individual giving you an out of the world experience. So let’s not forget that sex will be about sharing comfort and security on some days, and on those days, that is perhaps the only experience you need.
Featured image: She Knows